theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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