I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
