If i come over, it means nothing
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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