So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
