It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
