apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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