Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
