nut hugger
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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