i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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