The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
