There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
