Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
