oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
