totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
