If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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