I want to have your abortion
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
