the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
