I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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