Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize