it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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