He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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