Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
