My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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