I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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