I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
