at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize