WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
