If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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