Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
