There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
