I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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