I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
