it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Sober January is a disaster.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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