Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
