that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize