He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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