My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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