i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
