Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize