I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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