I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize