Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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