If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
