I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
