We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
