Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize