When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
