my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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