There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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