I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
