onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
