med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize