Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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