i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
