I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
