dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
