I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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