Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
