last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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