I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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