I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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